I've got some. Here I sit, lounging on my bed. My mile a minute thoughts couldn't be more on the contrary. I'm scared. I know its natural - of course it is! I think EVERYONE is afraid to go off of their own. Even me. Since the age of ten I've pretty much raised myself - I taught myself to read, ride my own bike, cook my own food. Because no one else would do it for me. Yet despite such independence, I still can't help but tremble every time the thought of college comes to the forefront of my mind. And sadly, its inevitability makes it come out quite often. I've got so much I need, so much to do. And not enough time to mentally prepare myself. Can I do this? Make it out alive? Because, I may be able to speak out, and fufill the necessities of survival, but there is still this child inside of me that sits, ready to be axed from existence. As stupid as my mom is I still rely on her. As much as we don't talk, she does things that surprise me sometimes.

And I'm not one to disrespect my mother. I see it all around me - friends screaming at their parents, whining like idiots just because they don't want to mow the lawn. If you told me to do something, I'd do it. But that's the whole point. She never even tries to be a parent. Tell me what to do - yell at me, ground me. Care. But I know I'll never get that.

Yet the point of that is to say that this. Sometimes she just does things. Out of the blue. That make me want to cry. I walk in, she's polishing my table. I come home from my girlfriends, she's cleaning the blades of my fan. And every day, the laundry is done. Most of everyday anyhow, hah. But these things, I think I've come to take for granted. I'll have to do everything myself. Alone. The bills - she always took that stress and never let me help. Be it out of frustration or care, I'll never know, but regardless, I love her for that. I love my mother, with all my heart, despite all these things that I as a whining child would say. We've been through a lot in our lives, and I've questioned if I ever really came from her womb, that crazy woman. But all the same, she took care of me. She housed me.

And now I'm going to be alone. Buy my own clothes, my own...everything. How do you adults deal with this? This pain? Of separation?

The safety of my home, stripped from me. That first night, I don't even think the thralls of the arms of my own lover can comfort me. To think that when I wake, I won't be able to come to the haven that has been my sanctuary for most of my intelligible life. I'll look at the ceiling and get that first wave of 'where the fuck am I.' And I've no idea how you adults handled it. Yet I will! I must, right? I can't stay a child forever. For through that fear, I'm more excited than I've been in my entire life! The things I'll do, the people I'll meet, the places I'll go. Unrestrained, with only the world ahead of me. Will my art get me as far as people predict, or are their softened praises only a shadow of the downfall that will be mine? One can only speculate.

See? I get too deep with this crap. Haha. Here I sit, still lounging, my stomach hurts, and I'm whining like a baby in my little journal that no one reads. XD But I suppose the theory was right. I feel better after getting that down. My writing has always soothed me somehow, although I can definitely go over the top and overboard. But that's what makes me me, you know?

I'll shut up now. XD